Today was bad. One of my worst in a while.
I wake up at 11:30 this morning after once again having no recollection of turning my weekly alarm off. I haven’t slept in the past two days. I’m tired. My legs shake as I go downstairs to feed the cat and myself. My eyes are stinging from the tired I feel on a constant basis and I can hardly keep them open. It’s raining. I love the rain and I want to go back to bed, but I have no food to eat and I have work to do.
After a slow start to the morning, I’ve eaten and am ready to start my day at noon. I look at the attempt of a routine I’ve given myself. Today’s chores are clean the kitchen, do the dishes, grocery shopping. I take a moment to assess my condition (a task I do multiple times a day). My legs are still shaking. My lower back down to the bottoms of my feet are in pain. I decide to rest my body for a moment until I brave the rain for groceries.
Climbing back into bed is hard. Not just physically, but mentally. I want so bad to be doing things. Productive things, that I can be proud of. But instead I’m once again forced to lie down with my heating pad turned to its highest setting. I massage and stretch my legs and neck. Every inch of muscle is a trigger point and I’m left bruised from the movements. The heating pad is nice but it’s not hot enough to ease the pain today.
After about an hour, I drag my ass out of bed. I have to get the groceries. I have to do something today. I need to do this to feel I’ve accomplished anything. I get dressed as I look around the house at all the shit I have lying around that needs picking up. They’ve been there for days, maybe weeks. I haven’t felt physically or mentally well enough to do all these things I need to do. I start to feel overwhelmed. I start to think I’m a sorry excuse for an adult. I start to feel like I’ll never be able to live by myself (a dream of mine.)
The grocery store trip is slow. I’m in a brain fog and my legs will only carry me so quickly. They’re still shaking and I feel unsteady on my feet. I hope nobody can tell that I’m struggling to breath and walk. I get home and unload the bags, I feel my back almost go out, so I make sure to take it slow and easy. After putting the groceries away my body is in so much pain I need to lie down again. Standing hurts, sitting hurts, lying down hurts, moving hurts. I can’t find any comfort and so I cry, hoping at least that will be some sort of release of energy or pain. The migraine comes soon after.
More crying. I don’t know what to do. I’m writhing. I’ve taken all the medicine I can at this point. My body and mind are heavy with thoughts and pain.
It’s so frustrating and exhausting to live like this.
I can’t do this anymore.
It’s been like this for too long. I’m so tired and scared.
I’m sick of being sick.
Stop feeling bad for yourself, other people have it worse.
I want to do something, anything.
I want to feel like I have a purpose in life.
I have so much shit to do.
No one will understand why I can’t do the things I have to do.
I’ll lose followers. People will lose interest if I’m not creating content.
No one will want to hear about this.
I need help.
Today was bad, but today was just one day. I feel tired and I feel pain every single day. Most of the things that happened today are a regular occurrence. I’m usually good about hiding my pain and can manage enough to just say “this is just how my life is, I just gotta keep going, keep taking it one step at a time.” However, some days I reach a breaking point. The pain and long list of to-dos that I’m constantly catching up with due to my ever-changing health, paralyzes me.
I decided to write this blog post for something to do. I’m writing this mostly with my eyes closed because of the throbbing migraine that I still have. But I needed to write this tonight. It’s important for me to put my emotions and thoughts out there in some way so I don’t feel so alone. Lying in bed all day with nothing but my thoughts for company can be a risky business.
I have several Doctor’s appointments coming up that I’m hopeful and excited about. I’ve decided things need to change, I need to work even harder on fixing my body and mind. It’s easy to feel like I’ve done nothing all day, especially with modern day society’s obsession with productivity. Today all I did was get groceries, but sometimes that’s enough. I have to look at the progress I’ve made over the years and how far I’ve really come. I also have to be realistic with myself and tell myself that I’ve gone back steps with progress. I need to hold myself accountable for bad decisions I’ve made and have hope that with practice, time and professional help I can get my progress back on track.
If you’re having a bad day or is someone who struggles with chronic illnesses/pain like me just know that someone out there understands and sometimes all you have to do is what you can in the moment. Sometimes your purpose in life is to just exist.